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Believe Me: Our Parenting Will Bring The Change!

Some people turn to me and say with a serious face that times are dark and quite hopeless. Wherever you look on our globe, you see aggressive people ruling countries, old conflicts breaking out again, mass-shootings in schools and churches, men in politics, media, clerical institutions and – well basically everywhere – found guilty of sexual harassment and abuse. Being harsh, loud and careless is seen as a sign for self-confidence and prerequisites for economic success and peer recognition. The white man over 50 is still in power and barks his orders and commands via 280 characters into the world. 280 characters don’t allow much space for deep conversations, emotions or reflections. Whoever doesn’t fit this old-new picture is marginalised: gay, black, a cry-baby, a softy. Man-up. Don’t be such a girl. Yesterday’s old fashion is the new.

I don’t buy it.

“How much evil throughout history could have been avoided had people exercised their moral acuity with convictional courage and said to the powers that be ‘No, I will not. This is wrong, and I don’t care if you fire me, shoot me, pass me over for promotion, or call my mother, I will not participate in this unsavory activity.’ Wouldn’t world history be rewritten if just a few people had actually acted like individual free agents rather than mindless lemmings?”

Joel Salatin, an American farmer, lecturer and author, said this, not me.

I don’t expect you to get shot, to kill No. 45 or to start a world revolution. And, yes, we all need jobs to pay our bills. But, hey, you can choose your place of work and not sell yourself to evil Nestlé. And there are many other choices YOU can make: voting, telling the world what you think, buying/not buying, doing your own research, questioning authorities… the list could go on. You’re much bigger and more important than you think. Use this power.

The world seems darker than… well, since when actually? Are we really facing a new dark age or is it just Rupert Murdoch and his golfer friends who vomit their manufactured realities into our faces – 24/7 and worldwide?

I don’t think we’re doomed. Yes, there are countless challenges waiting for us to be solved through amazing solutions. I don’t have all the answers right now but there is plenty of hope that humankind will find its balance with nature and Mother Earth. I believe in a future of peace, equality and solidarity. We’re the generation of transition. Transition from the old world, the world of war, aggression and ego, into a new world of empathy, kindness and care.

You and I were probably not parented in the most peaceful way. That’s how it was. I imagine our parents tried their best, but they came from a generation with even more violence, bribes and punishments. And they had far less research and help available than nowadays. No blaming, no shaming from me – just reflecting and thinking how we can improve.

We – our generation – have the ultimate chance to get it right. We can change current moods  around, we can help our children to find the answers and solutions, to equip them with skills in becoming humans in the full meaning of that word . Yes, we have to work damn hard to get there, set-backs and disappointments included. Good parenting, I believe, is here and now the most important job to set a strong foundation for tomorrow’s life.

Gentle, peaceful parenting is the way: respecting our offspring from the moment they enter life. Whatever your children do, stay connected. Be the best role model you can possibly be – the way YOU treat your kids, your partner, friends, neighbours and other people will have a great impact on how your children will see their world and learn life and social skills. Speak with respect, listen without judging, see the possibilities and support their dreams – regardless of gender or age. Help, show kindness and care wherever you can. Switch off violent and negative news (or at least reduce your intake on news). Be authentic, be human. Apologise and hug. Love and cry. Plant trees, run through the woods, paint rainbows, buy some organic veggies from your local shop and dance salsa – do whatever brings happiness to you and your children. Open your heart and mind.

We have choices. We have skills. We have voices. We are not alone. Let’s start. Let’s unlock the chains. We hold the keys in our hands.

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My Fighting Boys Needed This Help To Reconnect

Over the last few days my two sons, 9 and 6 years old, were fighting with each other – and I don’t mean the kind of normal arguments between siblings. Shouting, screaming, banging doors, accusing, teasing and also physical aggression between them became their way of communicating. My wife and I tried a lot: we spent more time than usual with them individually. We talked, negotiated, guided, listened and supported whenever possible. Nothing seemed to work. The fighting got worse – to the point that they would really physically hurt each other. You know how painful it is to watch that?

Yesterday morning I called for a family meeting to tackle the issues. We all sat down in a circle. I guess my boys expected from their parents a lecture about their behaviour. So they sat with little interest and the typical let’s-finish-this-quickly-facial-expression in front of us. But I didn’t meet their expectations.

Instead I started our meeting with opening my heart and saying words of appreciation to them: “I feel a lot of happiness when I see you caring for your brother and sister. There are so many beautiful things you did to help them!” – And to my other son: “You are always so happy and bring laughter and joy to our family. You show so much kindness and care when you see someone being sad or lonely. Thank you!”

After our words-of-appreciation warm-up we talked long and intensely about the events of the last days. We reflected, listened and connected. We brought some issues to the light, but it wasn’t easy at all and in between I felt that we’re not getting close to a solution. Well, not yet.

Before we finished the meeting I asked both my boys if they could think of three actions they would do in favour for their brother. Three kind actions a day, at least. It could be anything: kind words, an invitation to a game, reading a story to the other one… something to bring joy. My suggestion didn’t go down that easily, unfortunately. I didn’t want it to be a burden for them either. So, I left the topic unfinished. With a more or less heavy heart we carried on with our daily routine.

But what I noticed shortly after the meeting was a change. My sons spent their day together with a lot of playing, supporting each other (like in the old days) and laughing. Whenever I could I joined their fun and listened to their adventures. In the evening, on the sofa, I talked to my eldest again. He was asking about my suggestion from the morning. At first he seemed skeptical and discouraged. Why should he do three (!!!) things for his brother? That annoying, irritating brother! Hey, boy, your brother is awesome. You feel irritated or annoyed? Those are YOUR feelings, your thoughts and it got nothing to do with him. He tries his very best as you do. As we all do. “Really??” – can I read in his face. Really!

After a long talk about kindness, brotherhood and love, he turned to me and said: “Papa, tomorrow I’ll try that. I’ll see whether I can do one thing, or even more, for my brother!” What a great and warm promise. Even if you don’t get there my son, you are willing to try.

And you know what? Today I didn’t say anything. I just watched. I just listened. I was present. And they both took care of each other, and their little sister, that my heart melted. I saw kindness, I felt the bonding and I could hear the fire of excitement. So much love. So much connection. Thank you boys!


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An Open Letter to My Daughter Gracelyn in the Era of Donald Trump

Dear Gracelyn,

Today I write this letter to you so that you might better understand the tumultuous transformation that’s currently underway in our nation. For while your mother Shonnie and I are doing our best during your childhood to shelter you from adult concerns, I’m guessing that you sense a disturbance in the Force.

As you know, we have elected Donald Trump as our president. I believe Trump is unworthy of the office. He behaves like a spoiled schoolyard bully; he puts himself and his needs before all others; he refuses responsibility for his actions; he says hurtful things about women, people of color, those with disabilities, people from other countries, and anyone who disagrees with him. He even said it’s OK for someone to objectify his own daughter and speak about her in a disrespectful and demeaning manner.

In response to the mean-spirited actions of our president and some of our other so-called leaders, millions of Americans, including your mom Shonnie and me, are taking action—calling and writing our elected representatives, attending mass marches, organizing to elect worthy candidates, and more—to help create a more loving, fair, and eco-friendly society. And we are doing our best to discern how to be with you and how best to prepare you for life in times such as these.

First of all, we will strive to demonstrate love, partnership, sharing, and being good community members by how your mother and I live our lives. We’ll also do our best to get out of your way so that Gracelyn can be Gracelyn, so that you can dive headlong into life and live it exactly as you see fit. We will make it clear that you have our blessing whatever passion you follow—art, ballet, Wild Kratts, rock hound, yoga, the Moana movie, or music—and whatever work you later choose—brain surgeon, teacher, artist, corporate CEO, dancer, parent, accountant, writer, surfer, or any other. Whatever your choices, we will support you and give you our steadfast love.

You are perfect exactly as you are. And, you possess all the inherent qualities you need to live a full and fulfilling life—authenticity, personal power, creativity, curiosity, courage, compassion, persistence, resilience, and a spirited sense of humor. Regardless of what’s going on around you, never doubt that you can create exactly the life you desire.

A new day is coming, sweet girl. As the author and activist Arundhati Roy once said, “Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing.” And you can help bring this day into being, by the way you are—with yourself, with others, with every living thing.

I deeply respect who you are and what you’re about in the world, Gracelyn. Your innate wisdom, kindness, and sense of justice help sustain my hope for the future. One final pledge: Please know deep in your heart that your mother and I will always love you, all ways, no matter what!

Your dad,

Bruce

The letter was originally published in the June 2017 issue of WNC Woman and here.

Bruce Mulkey is an essayist and author from Asheville, North Carolina. He has previously contributed to WNC Woman’s Y-chromosome issue and is a regular contributor to The Huffington Post, Elephant Journal, and The Good Men Project. He currently spends much of his time writing his memoir (A Tale of Two Fathers: The Memoir of One Man and His Two Daughters Born 42 Years Apart), playing handball, trail running with his wife Shonnie, and doing his best to keep up with a high-spirited six-year-old on the meandering footpaths of the Appalachians. Learn more at brucemulkey.com

 

 


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How Can I Get My Children To Clean Their Bedroom?

Often parents get very frustrated (yes, me too) when their children are messy and show no interest in tidying or cleaning up. How can we as parents respond? Bribes, threats or blackmailing are one way … are there any other options? Watch my statement by following the link to my YouTube channel:


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4 Things Dads Should Teach Their Daughters About Balancing Health & Beauty

4-things-dads-should-teach-their-daughters-about-balancing-health-beauty
A Guest Post by Tyler Jacobson

I was going through Pinterest one day, and I noticed something. The website, which is traditionally most popular with women, was full of photos depicting other women who fit the average supermodel physique. Glancing down at the titles of the pin boards they were placed in, I saw titles like ‘Thinspiration’, ‘Fitspo’, and ‘Goals <3<3’.

What first hit me hard was thinking of my wife. I wondered if on her Pinterest account, or perhaps any other, she might have similar boards. If she filled galleries with photomanipulated images of alleged perfection, pitting her own image against those of what we have been pushed to believe is the ideal. The very idea that she may have fallen victim to such thoughts, this beautiful, perfect woman I loved, broke my heart.

But then, a much darker thought occurred to me: little girls are seeing these same messages. Looking at a couple of the boards confirmed that at least some of them were no more than teenagers. And in the descriptions of each image were phrases like, “How I want to look by next summer”, or “I need to stop being so fat.”

What are we teaching our young girls? How many of our daughters are suffering under the same negative sense of self, and how many will grow up to be women facing the same self-hatred?

Being Proactive: Teaching Our Daughter’s Balance

The solution, I truly believe, begins at home. It is too easy as a father to take a backseat with daughters, leaving the majority of lessons to come from their mother. While not a conscious decision for many of us, it just feels more natural to split the parenting between genders. Who would know better what a young girl goes through than their mother?

But this is a view to be overcome. Fathers have just as much responsibility as mothers to help teach their children (all of their children) to love and respect themselves. On the topic of finding balance between health and beauty, that effort is all the more crucial.

Our girls are living in a time where everything from their phones to their computer screens are bombarding them with messages about what is normal, beautiful, and a goal to achieve. We have to be there to teach them the reality, and to foster a sense of acceptance and self-love based around who they are.

These are four lessons that I feel are our responsibility as fathers to help teach our daughters about health and beauty.

Lesson #1: The Media Lies

Looking through those images on Pinterest, it is plain to see that they are unrealistic. It isn’t a problem isolated to social media, either. Just typing ‘Photoshop in magazines’ into Google will show you the ridiculous ways the media will manipulate photos into fitting an ideal that no one is capable of reaching in real life.

That picture of Taylor Swift that your daughter is staring at, wishing she matched up? Everything from the clearness to her skin to the size of her thighs have been altered with software. And that is after all of the makeup, corsets, careful posing, and lights have been added to hide “imperfections” spotted by the photographer.

Lessons #2: There Is No One-Size-Fits-All Body Type

There is no “right size” for a human being. Some women are tall or short, heavy or slender, stocky or petite. The world is full of all types, and all types are beautiful in their own right. What it doesn’t show is what is inside that person, the things they are capable of doing, the strength or limits of their bodies.

We have to get away from this concept of an ideal. It is individuality that makes someone stand out, not conformity to a clothing size. If we teach our daughters that their worth isn’t related to their frame, and that they are worthy of respect no matter their type of build, we can steer the conversation to more productive avenues, such as their interests, talents, and achievements.

Lesson #3: Health Is a Holistic Process

Health isn’t all about weight. It isn’t even all about the body. Health is a holistic issue, which means it is the combination of all factors that make up a whole person.

You are truly healthy when your body is nourished and cared for, your mind is calm and strong, and your emotions and stable and happy. At least when they are those things most of the time…we all have bad days.

Lesson #4: Self Image Is The Most Important Image

It is impossible to ignore what people think of us all the time. But that doesn’t mean we can’t begin to show our girls that the real opinion that matters is their own. Sure, someone might say they are too fat, too skinny, not tall enough, not have clear enough skin. Who cares?

As long as they can look at themselves and see that they are healthy, happy people with their own skills, talents, personality and qualities (both good and bad), we have done well as parents. A measured and largely positive sense of self is one of the greatest gifts that they can carry with them throughout their lives.

Our Mission Is To Save Our Daughters

Girls face constant examination, ridicule, and an unfair standard that is hard to understand as men. We are rarely confronted with the same standards, and so it is easy to forget the stress being put on their self-esteem.

As fathers, it is our job to help put a buffer between our children and these false images of perfection. We have to teach them to be happy with themselves, and to see the beauty in their individuality. To show them that it is health that matters, not waist size, or how thick their eyelashes are.

If we can show our girls that they are smart, strong, fun, and healthy, we can change a culture that is designed to hurt them. That sees well worth the effort.

 

tyler-jacobson-large-squareTyler Jacobson is a father, husband, and freelancer, with experience in writing and outreach for organizations that help troubled teens and parents. Tyler has offered personal, humorous and research backed advice to readers on parenting tactics, problems in education, issues with social media, various disorders, addiction, and troublesome issues raising teenage boys.

Connect with Tyler on: Twitter | Linkedin
(Images provided by Shutterstock and Tyler Jacobson)


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Oh Art! Creative Self-Directed Learning For Families

I love it when my children get creative using various media and stuff. An empty container turns into a house or rocket or market stall. Stones, pebbles and sticks make beautiful mandala pictures. And with clay they basically can build anything: castles, bowls, trains, hedgehogs…

Often I join my children’s creative play (well, sometimes it’s not about my choice, it works like this: ‘Papa, you have to come over here and see this!’ – and suddenly I hold the paintbrush or gluestick or whatever in my hands 😉 )

From working with families I oberserved many times the positive, healing and nurturing aspect of doing art together as a family. Sometimes we adults can get shy or feel embarrassed when it comes to creating stuff. For some of us it might bring back childhood memories when we actually loved being creative but were told that we aren’t good at it. For some parents/adults making art is like making peace with their inner child.  It’s is also a great tool when it comes to reflecting on your own parenting and on how we communicate.

OhArt! is a place based in South-London (and soon in Madrid too) for children and families to (re)connect with art. Kiki Atias and her team offer a space where children can enjoy self-directed learning through the exploration of Art & Design. In this post Kiki will tell you more about her great project and how you can get involved. Enjoy:
OH ART - Collaborative stamping

Oh Art! is born from the idea and conviction that we need a change, we need to make a profound social change. The more I spend time with children, the more I am drawn to believe  that childhood is about developing social and emotional skills, the most important thing in our lives.

Play provides it all for the child. It is their way to learn, their way to heal, their way of making connections with others and their way of understanding the world around them.

Art is simply self-expression and it is also a medium to connect with one-self, with others, a chance to share ideas, a chance to innovate, a platform to address important issues in our communities and our world.

I believe we have more than enough evidence about why play matters and why creativity matters. There has been so many effective approaches to cultivating creativity in children, and it saddens me deeply, that none of these approaches are put into practise effectively in schools. The arts curriculum in the majority of mainstream schools is limited. On the other hand, I feel the majority of schooled children that come to Oh Art! develop a sense of belonging within the group and they feel amazed by the freedom they have to explore what they want to explore, in their terms and at their pace, giving them a sense of autonomy.

OH ART - A helping hand to finish the carThe way I provide this for the children is first working in smaller groups. This way I am able to model positive social behaviour, positive communication skills, nurture their own creativity, help them develop their own methodologies, help them understand their creative process and their needs, guide them how to work collaboratively in groups, meet all their emotional needs, encourage risk, facilitate critical thinking and problem-solving skills. All this side of the learning experience goes “under the radar” for them, as I focus on delivering all this through kindness, playfulness, empathy, compassion, active listening, asking them questions about their explorations and having fun with them.

Non-Violent Communication and my training as a Positive Discipline Parent Educator have given me the most effective practical tools to establish healthy relationships with all my children (I call them “my children”, even though they are not, but I believe that a horizontal relationship between teacher and student is very necessary for the learning to unfold both ways -I learn a great deal from them too). I am convinced, as Rita Pierson (bless her soul!), puts it:  “Kids won’t learn from people they don’t like”. They will learn when they feel loved, cared for, listened to and when they emotionally contained. The love I feel for these wonderful children, as well as my own child, fulfils my heart to many levels I can’t described. I feel like I’m part of their lives as well they are part of mine.

Another important point, apart from all I mentioned above,  is offering high quality materials to explore and access to useful resources such as books and the internet -we need to use all the tools we have! I want the children to learn how to pursue their dreams, feel proud of who they are and live a good and successful life (successful doesn’t mean earning tons money!, but being happy and content).

OH ART - Explornig Maths the Artsy WayIn the world we live in, I feel the responsibility for educating children for their future. We need more young people who can make a positive change in our society, contribute to their own lives as well as others, be satisfied with what they do, embrace their uniqueness, share that uniqueness with others, have the tools to make this world a better place. I feel very strongly that we need to invest in our children.

Parents are also part of this learning process. What I love most about this experience is the bridge we, both me and the parents, build together with a profound respect for each other’s role in their children’s lives and a profound trust that their children are in a safe, loving environment. We (parents and I) have an open communication channel. Parents feel free to talk to me about their concerns, specific issues, problems at home, problems at school, and I truly appreciate their honesty because it gives me a better sense on how to meet their emotional needs while in the sessions. If I sense something is “wrong” I also communicate with the parents, so we can find the best strategy to support the child. We are a team, working together to educate their children.

Parents also learn ways to nurture their children’s creativity, learn to support their interests, learn useful tools to communicate with them, learn how to encourage them and the most delightful thing I’ve witnessed is that they reconnect with their playful self. At the end, we are a bunch of “kids” having fun, learning from each other, laughing and celebrating each other’s achievements in the making. During the sessions, we are open to talk about feelings, about situations, about ideas, about problems. ALL OF US make the space a unique space for each other, a special place where we can play, express, share and love, without anyone judging and telling us what and how to do what we love to do.

This is for me the most rewarding experience I’ve ever had.

kikiKiki trained as a Graphic Designer in Florence, Italy before coming to England to study BA (Hons) Fine Arts at Byam Shaw Art School at Central St. Martins, London. She was a founding member of small democratic primary school in SE London. She has been featured as a homepreneur in Sainsbury’s Magazine March 2015 edition. She has contributed to a number of events and workshops such as STEAM Co/Curious Minds, West Dulwich Spring Fair, and EscueLab (Madrid). Teaching Art, Visual Design and Emotional Intelligence to kids is her passion. She’s been running successful workshops for children of all ages focusing on facilitating and mentoring her students. She has done a introductory course on Positive Psychology and has a foundation level in NVC (Non-Violent Communication).

Connect with OhArt!:

www.ohartproject.com
OhArt! on facebook

Kiki’s site Embracing Parenting

OH ART - Exploring movement and painting

 

 


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We Are Ready: Parenting And Living Without Fear

stones

About ten years ago, we – the then childless couple – were thinking about how we would like to live our lives. We believe many couples and families have such evening-on-the-sofa-rituals. What is important to us? How do we want to raise our children? Where shall we live? What can we work or do to create an income? Which decisions do we need to make to succeed? To some questions we quite easily found the answers: we always wanted to spend as much time as possible with our children. Work as much as needed in order to pay the bills. Live within a community in which people look after and support each other. With lots of green, trees to climb, healthy local food to eat. A place where art and music are being celebrated, where people treat each other with respect and kindness, that’s respect for children too.

We were looking for a life where our family is the centre. To put our family in the centre to us means being able to make our own choices, rather than being dictated by society how we should live. We’re not buying into the current ideologies out there, which are meant to strengthen the patriarchal and capitalist systems. However, it  is shocking to think that every day we, who despise these systems, are strengthening them, just because through our upbringing, as well as everyday exposure to this lifestyle it is so ingrained in us that it takes effort to see through them.

In this article we’re going to expose some of the lifestyles and thoughts we have taken on, because they have been presented to us as being the “norm”. Mostly, we want to be normal…

Let’s take a look where it all starts: for most of us it’s in our childhood. From the early days in our parents’ home and in school we get trained and conditioned on so called values about how we should, even on how we must live our lives. A good, meaning valued, citizen is one who has a good job (to get there you must be good in school, so you must get good grades, ideally be better than others), who has a (small) family, a nice house (in a “good” neighbourhood), a rather expensive car, pays into a pension scheme, has an insurance for everything, and asks no stupid questions. Sounds familiar to you?

That spiral continues when working for a company. Your boss carries on telling you how to behave: A good citizen works hard for 45 or so years, does unpaid overtime (you really want that promotion, don’t you?!), lives a short life as a pensioner, then dies of cancer or any other disease.

When the ‘good citizen’ becomes a parent there are certain expectations to fulfil to fit into our society: send the child to nursery, then school while you continue working hard for your employer, see your family for an hour or two in the evening, pay taxes, do as you’re told. This mantra gets repeated in the media day after day. Media controlled and managed by big corporations (who don’t even pay taxes).

Why are we so susceptible to observing this ‘one size fits all’ ruling model? Is it really possible that so many of us, very individual people, all want the same thing? We believe that many are struggling to escape this life because of fear.

Fear As The Disabling Factor In Facilitating Change


This fear, where is it coming from and why do we feel it so extremely present? Fear is the anchor of our consumer society. Economy and politics go hand in hand to project fears on us. The cycle of work, earning money, spending money, needing more money, buying more (bigger) objects are all related to our fear of not being part of the game (you’re unhappy with your job? Buy something and you ‘feel better’).

Our fear lets us to believe we need others (like the government or military) to ‘protect’ us. Have you ever noticed that ALL news programmes are fully loaded with negative news? Stop becoming depressed by watching how horrible some of our fellow humans are. Again, your fear is being fed. Get rid of it. Look at what you can do to support those who struggle in your community, by helping them in practical ways but also by empowering them to know what they really need in their life.

Parenting In A Capitalist Society

Many people we know are getting more and more unhappy, even frustrated with the cycle of obedience, permanent competition and dependence. They’re simply fed up with being the hamster in the wheel, running every day mile after mile in order to just pay off bills, the house, the car… or to save a few bucks to get the next holiday. In this whole mess our parenting job is included.

The UK government throws a lot of money at so called back-to-work-programmes for parents . Parents are getting financially rewarded when they find a job/go back to their job as soon as possible. The baby/toddler goes off to nursery. The earlier the better. Early prevention, that’s what the government calls it. By doing this it throws all attachment theories out of the window at the same time. Well, who really needs a strong bond to his baby or child? Why on earth should you be around when your child does his first step or says her first word?

No, we’re all needed in our shiny offices, factories, schools, departments, supermarkets. For the common good – to produce more, to consume more, to make the rich even richer. No time or energy for fancy ideas of breaking out of this system. Once in it, once a slave to the system how can you break free? How can you live without earning money, we all need it, right?

How Can We Break Out Of This Cycle?

But, as said, people – or let’s stick to our good citizens – are getting fed up with that kind of life. They realise that money doesn’t buy you happiness. They know that the first five years in your child’s life are the most important ones. That your big corporation can go bankrupt tomorrow and suddenly you’re out of work (or that if you make demands/bring in your own thoughts, they’ll drop you, just like that). That two weeks summer holidays (at outrageous costs) doesn’t replace proper quality time and a good relationship with your children.

world changer newMany realise that. But then the same people look at us, shrug their shoulders and we see that uneasy feeling on their faces , saying: ‘Well, what can you do? That’s how life is, isn’t it?’. For years we would have sighed and said ‘yes, you’re right. Nothing we can do’. Bonkers.  Because our parents, our teachers, our bosses, our prime ministers, our neighbours, our friends have told us so? What is it that holds us back? Why don’t we say to our boss tomorrow ‘look, I’ve got family and I love them to pieces, I need to work less’? Why don’t we say to doctors ‘hey, thank you for your advice (on vaccinations or on your child’s development etc.) but I’m getting a second opinion/listen to my intuition before I decide what’s best for my child’? Why don’t we break out of our over-expensive, damp houses and change our world now? How can we overcome the fear that’s holding us back living our dreams, living life on our own terms?

Our family has made the first (and yes, maybe small) steps  – out of our comfort zone. We started with talking, reflecting, researching, dreaming. Then we went a little further. We let go ideas of big careers or 9-to-5 jobs. So, over the last years we always negotiated with our employers about working part time, in order to have enough time for our children. Yes, Torsten even left a job some years ago when he was denied the right of working part time. They pushed him as far as they could. His answer was still simple and straight forward: My family is more important than your business. If one parent or both, work long hours, the bond is compromised and one or both might not even see the benefit of working less and spending more time with your child. (Often women then compromise and backing their partner’s career aims, by working less and taking on the bigger part of childcare and domestic tasks…). And, yes, that’s doable to all of us, as Sweden demonstrates it with a 30-hour-working-week. It’s not perfect, but it’s a start.

Digital nomads are finding a new way to escape the hour after hour spent in an office – working remotely, using their laptops only. Nowadays it’s possible for more types of jobs than you think – to talk (even face to face), hold conferences, work on the same documents etc. with modern technology. It’s time more companies think again and offer this style of working to their employees. Companies need to reshape and reorganise themselves. We don’t want hierarchical structures any more – they don’t work. Well, at least not if you like something else than the current systems. We aim for company bosses who are able to talk to their employees on the same level, rather than look down on them and play out their power. All people have the right to be treated respectfully and as individuals, as subjects. The result would be more efficient companies and happier and healthier people and families.

Raising Our Kids To Become Autonomous And Fearless

Before our eldest son was born we decided to unschool. Nearly eight years later all our children enjoy being unschooled. For us, this lifestyle choice is part of a life without fear for all of us. Our kids learn, thrive, explore, question and discover. They learn in their own way and at their pace with our support and respect for their innate development. We create opportunities for them to meet many different people, form relationships, get to know different places, try out a variety of activities and discover their passions so that they have time to develop their potential and be happy.

From baby onwards our children were allowed to be autonomous beings, they decide what they eat (from a range of healthy options), play, who to talk to and what to say. No pressure, no tests, no fears. Instead respect, kindness and unconditional love. This way we get to spend lots of time together as a family, we bond with the kids, siblings bond with each other, we as couple have more of time together. Most people whose children go to school fear the responsibility. Paying others to raise their children for a (often big) chunk of the day, they suddenly feel it’s others who know better what their kids need. They don’t think they can provide what their children require. We don’t blame them, it’s only natural to feel that way, it’s part of the ruling ideology. You are supposed to feel like that. But who decides what’s important for your child to learn? How do they know what your child will need to know in life, in their life? (We can’t even predict where modern advancements will lead us in five, ten, twenty years’ time).

School is a very recent social experiment. For most of human history children would learn from their parents and their wider community. Children used to live and learn in their community what’s important to know to survive within their social structure. Schools can only provide one style of education, it is impossible to individualise the curriculum, which means that it will suit some, by chance, but others it won’t. But, we’re not here to blame teachers. They’re facing the impossible task to nurture and support at least thirty individual children with thirty individual needs in one class.

On the other hand we appreciate and support ideas and practical ways to restructure school. Exciting projects like ‘democratic schools’ are popping up all over the globe.

Another fear factor we eliminated: TV. We haven’t owned a TV for more than 12 years. Because we don’t want our children to get brainwashed by big money making corporations telling us what to buy and what to believe. We don’t want our children to see ads, movies and programmes where gender stereotypes are reinforced.

Our Kids Know They Can Achieve Anything – Regardless Of Their Sex

Gender roles and stereotypes (like in toys, advertisement, consumer products from beauty articles to clothes, sports…) are constantly reinforced within our society. That’s the easiest way to keep the male dominated world of business and politics going.

We raise our children gender-neutrally. Why do kids choose to wear certain clothes? It’s the fear to be different. Gender equality can only be achieved if we let our children choose out of their preference not their sex. They understand they can do/be what and who they want to be. We don’t tell our children that there are clothes and colours for boys and those for girls (who gets to decide that anyway?), we let them choose their toys, whether it’s a dolly or car. We want our sons and daughter to grow up knowing they are just perfect as they are, instead of buying into society’s beauty images. We parent our children equally, responding to them based on their personalities not their gender.

So, yes, our 7-year-old son has long hair, his favourite toy is a doll called Anne, and he wears dresses most days. He loves them. He knows many other boys and men (like his friends) don’t wear them. That’s fine for him, or as he told us: ‘everybody should just wear what they like’. Whenever other adults (it’s mostly them and not other kids) make assumptions on our children’s preferences according to their sex, we challenge them. How else can we change the current inequalities in the workplace (in terms of pay, career paths and progressions)? We, families, need to start demanding for change and be the change ourselves. That means take equal responsibility for childcare and domestic tasks. Women are being held small by how they are portrayed in media, society and treated by our ruling bodies and men are pushed into roles they don’t wish to fulfil.

Fear is one of society’s biggest issue. Fear disables us to try out challenging things and to go for what we really want – regardless of other’s opinions. Fear takes away all the countless possibilities we have. Fear is the heavy chain with a padlock around our neck. But we hold the keys in our hands.
Our fears are not disappearing overnight. Your fears might be very different from ours. You might enjoy  life as it is and want to tackle completely different issues. That’s fine. Make it so.
The big steps are not always easy to be made. We know that. If we want a different kind of society, it’s us parents who can change things, by how we live and how we raise our kids. We started small. And we’re not there where we want to be. Not yet. But we’re on our way.

They can grow up, shaping their personalities without the deliberating factor of having to fulfil the artificial gender roles – as much as possible. At least within our family and among our friends. This will, hopefully, prepare them in standing up for themselves in a gendered society.

Nedua and Torsten