Parenting and Empathic Fathers

Whose Needs Matter More?

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My sons race around the house, jump up the sofa and down again, while shouting something to each other. I decide to go to the other room. Hey, it’s nice they are playing imaginative games and have fun together, right? I, however, feel incredibly tired, the night was broken by far too many “I need the loo’s” and “I can’t sleep’s”…for the hundredth of times I wonder “WHEN will this child do this basic thing of just SLEEP at night?” My tired thoughts are broken when my sons come racing into my “quiet space” continuing their game around me. This is the point where I lose my patient- and-“oh they play so nicely”-feeling. I at first ask them, really nicely, to play their game somewhere else. It takes a while to get through to them, finally I succeed. They go into the other room, but sure enough, a minute later I am made part of the game again, a game I don’t want to play!

So, here we have it again: my needs (peace and quiet…if only for 20 minutes!) and their need to get rid of that energy and well, just play (in summer time we could go outside, but it is dark and rainy and I know I can’t get them outside now…). I become increasingly angry at their ignorance of my needs and they are becoming more and more agitated because they cannot live out theirs. In no time their game will turn into fighting with each other and then when worse comes to worse we are all shouting angrily at each other. Everybody is suffering here.

So, what to do? How can we make sure everyone gets what they need?

From my perspective, I as the parent, already lowered the expectations of getting my needs fulfilled to the basics. But those I need to keep sane and be an “as good as possible” parent, which is what my kids need (they really don’t need perfect by the way! Which helps!)

In many situations where one need has to be fulfilled at the expense of the other’s (siblings and us adults needs included) I ask myself: who is suffering most here now? It’s not always easy to answer this question, but sometimes it helps to see the picture more clearly. For example, if someone’s basic need is waiting to be fulfilled then they usually get this fulfilled first. You can’t be cooperative with an empty stomach for example. So, let’s have a break, have something to eat and then we find a solution. Or one child has had a difficult time/an illness etc. and needs his needs for attention for example fulfilled now before I can give attention and time to the other.

I decide that I need to stop the situation spiralling into the worst case scenario and say “let’s go and look at all the winter lights outside” or “shall we have a snack first?” I relent, but I have hopes… that when we come back they are more content to spend some time playing, without needing me, so that I can sit and have that cup of tea (hot, actually, you know, really tastes better, that way!) and daydream a bit, just switch off and get my energy levels up again. 🙂

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Guest Posts, Parenting and Empathic Fathers

How To Create A Straightforward Approach To Losing Your Angry Dad Voice

voice

I very much enjoy reaching out ot other (dads’) blogs, parenting websites, and parenting coaches. Today I would like to introduce to you Ian Hawkins. Ian is a coach and teacher from Australia, and he supports “…Dads to rediscover their passion and to inspire their own children to be their best.” Here’s a post by Ian with an intersting take on how you can lose your ‘angry dad voice’. More links and info at the end of his guest post. Enjoy!

A few years ago I had reached a point in my life where I was not happy with where I was at. I was always feeling tired and frustrated, and I was bringing this frustration home to my wife and kids.  Not only was I impatient but when I snapped it was often with an aggressive tone which no matter how soft, felt like yelling to my kids. Even when I was trying very hard to talk quietly, they told me to stop yelling. My angry voice was more than just my voice. It was my body language, it was the look on my face and even though I was trying to talk quietly and calmly there was an edge to my voice that was not sounding kind or loving to my kids. I no longer wanted to see the sadness and pain in my child’s eyes and face after I had overreacted with my angry voice.

And I see the same thing from other Dad’s every day, in the street, on the train, at the shops and particularly at children’s sports. They have unrealistic expectations of their children and have lost focus of what’s really important in their relationship, having that loving connection that your child craves and that you crave. Your angry voice has a negative impact on the happiness and wellbeing of your child and can damage your relationship with them. Should you continue this way as your children grow older, you will end up fighting more and more and worse still, they may end up with a similar issue with anger as they grow up.

Here’s what I have learned. There is another way. By making some changes in your life and by changing the way you approach situations with your children, you do have the power to be able to stay calm and speak in a loving and kind way to your children every single time.

If you get this right you will develop a calm that allows you to speak to your children with a smile and a kind voice, even after the most challenging day of work or play. Your children will love your new approach and be more likely to respond to your requests. Your children will model your behaviour and develop the ability to stay calm and speak in a softer voice as well. As time goes on this calm response and kind voice will become a natural response that comes out with little to no effort and as your children get used to your new approach, you will be pleasantly surprised at the massive improvement in your relationship with your children and overall happiness in your household. 

As with anything that you want to achieve in your life, the best way to reach that goal is to have a plan. It can be very challenging to change a habit and I believe the best way is to have a process to follow so that you know exactly what to do every single time. This process will be specific to you personally so you will need to create one for yourself. The good news is, right now I am going to give you the framework to do just that. Create your own process using my steps below as a guide:

1. Deep breaths.

The first step in your process should always be to pause and take 3-5 deep breaths right into your belly. Step away from the situation for a minute if that helps too. You may need to intervene if there is the potential for something to get broken or someone to get hurt, but most of the time you will be able to take 10-60 seconds to calm yourself first. Also as I have mentioned in previous blogs, deep breathing helps you reduce stress and can immediately stop your natural “fight-or-flight” response. You will be less likely to react with frustration and more likely to stay calm.

2. Be the observer. 

Also in this 10-60 seconds and after you have taken some deep breaths and stepped away physically, mentally step away as well. Be the observer for a second and look at the situation from the outside, as if you were looking on at someone else in the same situation. That is, take the emotion out of it. If you had to suggest the best solution for this situation to yourself, would it involve you using an angry voice, or staying calm and connecting with your child? And further still, is what your child is doing really a problem at all? They are only kids – are they just testing the boundaries or have they made a small mistake or are they just looking for attention?

3. Positive emotion. 

Next look for a positive emotion in your child. You are far more likely to get the result that you want when your action triggers a positive emotion in the other person. This is your child so this will be something unique to you. For example, you could smile and say something that will bring out that positive emotion or even laughter from your child.

4. Aim for connection not aggression.

Think about the type of people you are most likely to do something for. The ones who talk rudely to you?  Yell at you? Or the people who are really nice and speak in a calm and non-threatening way? Instead of towering over your child with an aggressive or grumpy tone, crouch down to their level and speak how you would like to be spoken to by someone you love.

5. Empathise with your child. If they have made a mistake, done something they shouldn’t have or are just plain upset, it is not a time to punish or speak aggressively. Empathise with them so they feel understood. “I understand” is a great way do to that. Tell them that you understand whatever they are going through. For example – “I know you don’t want to stop playing now and you don’t want to go in the shower” OR “I realise you are feeling upset”. And do so with clear boundaries. “I see that you don’t want to go to bed yet. I can also see that you are looking tired, it is your bedtime and you need to get a good night sleep so you are full of energy tomorrow.”

As I mentioned, use these 5 steps as a framework to create your own process to follow. You know your child better than anyone else so create a plan that works for you and for them. Go into as much detail as you need, but not so complicated that you won’t be able to follow the steps in a real life situation. Write it down and don’t be afraid to refer to it as required until you change the habit or are at least until you are comfortable you have committed your process to memory. Good luck, be patient with yourself and remember…..

”Change is hard at the beginning, messy in the middle and gorgeous at the end.”Robin Sharma

 

ian hawkinsRead, what Ian says about himself: “I have a passion for personal growth and inspiring others to reach their full potential. With a background as a trained teacher, years of leadership as a sportsperson and coach and over 10 years as a manager at Fox Sports Australia, I have a unique ability to bring out the best in others. After my own growth through the last 5 years of personal development, I decided I wanted to help other Dad’s to rediscover their passion and to inspire their own children to be their best. I pride myself in helping Dads through their transformation into high energy, calm, patient, loving and very happy individuals.”

Connect: http://www.inspireddads.com
http://www.facebook.com/InspiredDads
http://www.twitter.com/InspiredDads

Parenting and Empathic Fathers

That’s How I Deal With My Children’s Meltdowns, Tantrums And Hard Times

crying child
In German we have a saying that goes like this: ‘Wobbly tooth, wobbly soul’. My eldest, who is seven, has at least three wobbly teeth at the moment. That gives you an idea about his emotional balance. Or should I say imbalance? His unpredictable mood swings feel like a hard ride on one of those very big rollercoasters. Each yeeeaaaaaahhhh-that’s -so-much-fun-moment, follows an oooooh-noooooo-crash. Or the other way around. Or just many oooooh-noooooo-crashes at once.

Most children will go through them: meltdowns, tantrums, emotional breakdowns. And it’s always up to us parents how we deal with them. And, yes, it’s not only the typical two-year-old who throws herself onto the floor in protest; it can happen to your seven-year-old or teenager too (well, maybe not the throwing-onto-the-floor-thing anymore).

As I said, my eldest is not quite himself at the moment. He gets very tense and easily frustrated when he thinks he can’t do something (he’s into chemical experiments right now, and yes, you need a lot of patience there). He will scream and shout or just have another (aggressive) argument with his younger brother. All that and more usually between 8am and 8pm. Every day. And here comes the challenge: when he gets loud, aggressive or frustrated, then my initial feeling is – he needs my help and I’m right there to support him. But this becomes such a hard task when it goes on and on. By the afternoon and after a few of those meltdowns, my first inner response is something like ‘Stop!!! I can’t take this anymore! Leave your brother alone!’ And the like. Not very empathic, eh?

I admit that often enough I feel exactly like that: instead of pouring empathy, love and kindness into my son’s empty glass of emotions, I would give him a stern look and a firm ‘stop’ or ‘no’. The trouble here is, my firmness (or helplessness) won’t give him what he actually needs and cries out for: connection and unconditional love. If he feels both of that he will be able to manoeuvre through all meltdowns and difficult times in the whole world. If not, he will probably feel guilty and might think something is wrong with him.

Giving my child lots of love when he’s behaving like a cage man? Yes. And the reasons are simple and indeed logical: My son does NOT want to annoy me or anyone else. That’s my mantra and it should be every parent’s. He is learning. Every day, every moment. He figures out about social interactions , boundaries, emotions, feelings, skills and so on. His meltdowns are cries for help, saying ‘Papa (or Mama, of course) I can’t take this anymore. I’m confused. I’m frightened. I missed you all day. I’m tired. I’m …’ well, pick your own.

You and I (the parents) have to come to terms with the fact that our children respond so much better to connection, love, and empathy than to commands, isolation, and blame. From observations and talking to parents I can say that many react to a child’s ‘misbehaviour’ by sending the child to his bedroom. That goes with the message he should do some THINKING! Well, that is, quite frankly, bonkers. Why should an angry or upset seven-year-old suddenly start thinking like ‘oh yes, dad is right. I really screwed up here and I deserve sitting in my bedroom on my own. OK. I just calm down and then I go down to apologise.’? Really?

Connection, love and offering help is the better answer. Yes, your child might want and need his space for a moment. That’s often like that with my son. Before he is able to accept my closeness, he asks for his own space. And I have to respect hat. But that also means I’m still there for him if he wishes to connect.

Recently I attended a brilliant talk by Parenting by Connection Instructor Stephanie Parker (Hand in Hand Parenting). She talked about great tools and strategies in staying close and supportive when your child is going through difficult times. She stressed the importance of being there. Offering hugs and cuddles. Don’t leave your child alone or sent him away. Even if he chooses to be in his bedroom, you can wait by the door and say things like ‘I’m here for you. I love you.’

DadsTalkBlueAnother great idea Hand-in-Hand Parenting suggest, is to have Special Time with your child. It can be as simple as having five, ten, or fifteen minutes of undisturbed playtime. And, here comes the trick, your child is in charge. He is the boss telling you what you both do at Special Time. If he wants to play his favourite game with his made-up-rules, it’s your call. Of course, Special Time doesn’t mean you do dangerous things or spend £2,000 on toys at online shops. No. Special Time gives your child the chance to feel more empowered (how often is it the other way around?). And for you it’s a beautiful moment to truly (re)connect with him. It’s like filling up your child’s emotional cup with confidence, love, and trust. Using Special Time regularly can help to prevent meltdowns and tantrums.

Another way to show a more positive attitude is something psychologist Oliver James calls “Love Bombing”.

It could work like this: Spend this Saturday with the motto ‘Let your child decide!’ Yes, everything: from when he wants to get up in the morning (hey, he might choose to stay in bed until lunchtime, so you have the morning to yourself), then the activities he chooses for the daytime, his favourite food, to the point he decides it’s bedtime (agreed, it could be late!).

Oliver James says “I developed Love Bombing to reset the emotional thermostats of children aged from 3 to puberty. It gives your child a very intense, condensed experience of feeling completely loved and completely in control”. He advises to have a go at Love Bombing for a day or two or even a shorter period, followed by daily half hour slots devoted to it.

Both ideas can help you and me to feel more connected to our children. I’ve tried them and I can assure you that my son (and other children too) always felt so much lighter, happier and confident afterwards. Yes, tantrums and meltdowns are still part of my parenting journey and they always will be. I have to accept that and breathe calmly through those moments. When I see him arguing and fighting with his younger brother, then I remember that he is preparing for social interactions in the real world. At home he can test out things safely.

However, I also feel I am allowed, every now and then, to voice my feelings about his tantrums, too. Maybe not right there in the moment, if that doesn’t feel right. But it’s authentic and important to let our children know the effect their behaviour has on other family members. So, for example, I can say: ‘I feel unable to listen to you at the moment. My head hurts and I need some space for myself right now. Later on we can talk again (have a cuddle, enjoy a story together…etc.).’

And, again, my son is NOT meaning to annoy me. He’s not giving me a difficult time, he is going through one. I need to be there to hold and hug him (if he wants to be hold). Reassuring and loving words will guide him. And, yes, the wobbly teeth and wobbly-soul-moments will pass.

Wanna read further? Get my book ‘The Empathic Father’.

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Parenting and Empathic Fathers

My Dear Gentle Boys…

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My Dear Gentle Boys,

I can’t believe that you’re already four and seven years old. Where has that time gone? Didn’t you just crawl over the kitchen floor and made your first wobbly steps? It feels like yesterday when you said your first words, and I remember exactly the moment I saw you both dancing together in the garden.

Time flies. And that’s OK. Because now you’re not the Little Ones anymore. Soon another baby will be with us. All of us. And I know how exited you are. I feel the same. That bubbly, fizzy, I-need-to-jump-up-and-down feeling inside our tummies. Like a balloon just before it bursts.

You are unique and perfect to me. When I’m around you I can feel all your positive, creative energy and love. I listen to your stories and watch you dancing. I cuddle up with you or we rough house on the bed. I see all rainbow colours in your eyes when you laugh and I hold you tight when you cry.

You explore the world every day. Bravely you climb the highest trees and you will never stop asking questions until you are satisfied with the answer. Yes, you scream and stomp your feet when things go wrong. But you don’t give up. Every day I see you try again.

You surprise me . Your thoughts and the way you care. When I mess up, you forgive quickly. Yes, you fight with each other too, but you also create an inner peace and harmony in the blink of an eye. Your respect for others make this world a better place.

Here and now I want to pause for a moment and just tell you how much I love you.

Let’s keep walking together. You, Mama and I – and, of course, our little girl to come. I’ll be there for you, behind you, next to you. Keep your clear and critical mind. Don’t feel judged by people who tell you how and what boys should look like or how they should behave. You are strong. You are gentle. Keep playing with the toys you enjoy, care for your dolls as you would care for a baby. Wear the colours you like – let it be pink if you choose to. Whether your hair is long or short; whether you wear ‘girls’ sandals or not; whether you play football or skipping rope – I don’t care. What I care for is your happiness and health.

Let’s keep talking. I love sharing my thoughts and dreams with you. Your stories matter to me. Yes, sometimes I get lost in your tales. Then you roll your eyes and start patiently all over again. Until I understand.

Let’s keep dancing together. Turning up the music and dancing through the house. Getting the musical instruments out and having a spontaneous party. You dress up as fairies and I get three free wishes. You hold my hands and I swing you through the air. We are one.

No super hero on your shirt, no toy gun in your hand, no merchandise poisoning your mind. You don’t need them and never missed them either.

Real feelings, real love, real boys instead. You got me. You got Mama. You got our unconditional love. Forever.

In Love,

Your Father


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Pre-Birth Tensions

birthing poolIt’s so important: the time prior to a birth. Families and couples prepare themselves for the big moment. Ideally everything should be in place and ready for the moment when the baby decides it’s time to enter this world.

Ideally, indeed that’s a good word. We’re expecting our third child. Basically at any time now. Due date was yesterday. And, so far I had the feeling everything is fine, and with the experience of two lovely home births in the past I felt somehow prepared and relaxed.

A few weeks ago we started with first preparations. My boys and I inflated the birthing pool for the first time, our lovely midwife came around to talk things through, my wife and I have been listening to birth relaxation CDs, and we created a backup plan for the whereabouts of our kids when birth takes place. We even raided the kitchen cupboard and made some very delicious energy balls for the time of birth and after.

So, all good then?! Well, I must admit things have turned slightly against us and I get that panicky feeling of being stressed. Today my wife followed her nest-building-instinct: we started clearing and cleaning the house to make it more cosy. Since then everything went downhill:

The boys – running around full of tension, anger and temper. The birthing pool – decided to have a hole. The idea of peace and quiet – gone.

I could scream. Honestly, I was so looking forward to this special pre-birth time, when things quiet down and tensions fall off. The exact opposite is happening here. For about an hour I tried to repair the birthing pool with a combination of blu tac, a bike repair patch, sellor tape and swearing. At the same time my heavily pregnant wife chased after our youngest, who was on a mission to either destroy things or leaving messes in corners we just had tidied. Both results, repairing the pool and calming down the little one, were less than successful.

I could scream again. Well, no, I just decide to take a short break. Really, it doesn’t help now to get worked up about things I can’t change or control. Yes, the boys are tense, no wonder. For weeks and months they have been waiting quite patiently for this time. It must have been like an endless journey for them. So, all their anxieties, joy and excitement is bubbling up now. The pool, well, it’s not ideal but it will be alright. Stop worrying, Torsten!

I tell you what I do now. I’ll go down and make a cake. A nice almond-coconut cake. The boys can help me and things will be alright. After we had the cake we can carry on in building our nest. Not long to go until our little one will be here. Let’s take a deep breath and carry on. I see you on the other side… in a few days… or hours…

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Parenting and Empathic Fathers

The Third Child: Yes, I’m Ready to Go

31 Wochen (4)‘When is the baby coming? Today? Now? I want the baby to come now!’ – These words are being said by my nearly 4-year-old every day. Every day for the last three months. You see, there is a little pressure and some expectations on us – the parents – or, to be more precise, on my wife. Come on, bring the baby on!

We’re expecting our third child this May. If everything goes by plan, birth should take place at home again, as with the other two. I feel ready for it. More or less.

Looking back I realise how little time we took to get prepared for this birth and the arrival of our baby. I remember the long evenings prior to our first birth. We sat on the sofa and chatted about everything baby related: how life will change, how to fold cloth nappies and we even practised the baby sling with a dolly inside (well, that was actually for me who needed a bit of help there… yes, I did manage dolly in the sling after twenty or so minutes). Everything we did or said was with the focus on baby or birth.

Things shifted slightly three years later when our second child came along. Yes, we were more exhausted and the evenings often ended with us going to bed the same time as our toddler, just to catch up. Still, we had great moments where my wife and I could sit down, reflect, relax, think, talk, laugh, cry and enjoy ourselves. With that kind of confidence the second birth went very smoothly and peacefully.

But life geared up again. Both our boys are wonderful and curious explorers. Most of the time anyway. Our days start normally around 6.30-ish in the morning and the eldest should be in bed around 8.30pm – but, hey ho, life is not like that and quite often the evening routine gets delayed. After we re-established a certain order and tidiness throughout the house we fall into bed as well. And in between I just finished writing my first book.
So, all fine by me. But, and here comes my point, we just noticed how little time there is for us. Not only time as a couple but also time to get prepared again.

Well, we already went through two home births, babymoon, sleepless nights, toddler tantrums & co., why should we need more preparation? Good question. For me it’s about celebrating that very special, beautiful and unique moment when a child enters the world. It doesn’t matter how often I’ve seen or experienced it before. This new life deserves the same attention and care I’ve given to my other two.

And, it’s about my wife. She, who went through the last 34 weeks, struggling with sickness, fatigue, heartburn and the general exhaustion pregnancy brings. She, who gets up every morning to be with our very active boys, seems to have quite endless energy and patience to deal with all the difficulties and joys parenting can bring.

So, taking that time to get ready again is also an important way to say ‘Thank you’ to her. To show respect and empathy. Yes, there is less time available now, but I believe in these small but important moments of kindness. For me to get up a little earlier in the morning to prepare her some breakfast and tea in bed; to let her nap in the afternoon while the boys and I are somewhere outdoors, or to give her a nice and relaxing belly massage (even when I’m terribly tired) before we go to sleep – I know it’s no big deal but it does help her.

Belly MassageWe also try to involve our children in the whole pre-birth celebrations. They love to use the natural belly massage oil (the more the better) and when the younger one can’t wait for his turn to massage, he then has a go at my belly (bliss). Or the other day they both helped me by inflating the birthing pool. Of course the hosepipe had to be tested and this way they found out that they can use it as a mega cool telephone…

Yes, time is tight. But it’s really up to us to make the best of it. Tonight we have planned something very special. It all happened quite spontaneously with the support of friends: My wife and I go out!! The eldest will stay with friends and the youngest with our adopted Granny. So, from around 5pm till tomorrow morning we’ll have time to ourselves!

The only plan we made is to go out for dinner – and then… let’s see. No plans, no pressure, no hurry. Just us. What a treat! Yes, we will talk about birth and the baby – of course! But we will also just enjoy ourselves – the couple, the lovers, the two of us. Recharging our emotional batteries for the weeks to come. I can’t wait. For both.

31 Wochen (1)


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Why We Need Equal Support For Active Fathers

When I became a full time dad to my young sons, I felt very lucky. I was looking forward to doing this job, despite knowing how tired and exhausted my wife had often been when she was the main carer. I thrust myself into great outings, craft activities, even baking with my cake enthusiastic boys. I would say spending the last one and half years as a full time dad has been extremely rewarding and the changes I and others can see in me are only of a positive nature. However, there were times where I did ask myself whether I just had to live with the fact that my “colleagues” were now, almost exclusively women. Don’t get me wrong, I have made many wonderful female friends, but I also did miss male company here and there, especially being able to share my experiences with someone who was in the same boat.

file0001508134616Gideon Burrows, author of Men can do it too argues: “Today, to be a good dad should mean doing a fairer share of the baby work. Not just the high-profile nappy changes and the bedtime story reading, but an equal share of the slog and the career sacrifice mothers put up with.” The changes in UK paternity leave in 2011 were not met by a huge upheaval and change. Less than 1% of fathers take advantage of additional paternity leave of up to a total of 26 weeks. Reasons for this are complex. Some argue, they simply can’t afford to, others suggest they don’t want to opt out of the role of the man as the main breadwinner or because they are afraid their career might suffer, having lasting effects on their family’s financial situation. I know it is possible for many to reorganise their life to fit a family friendly career, although I do recognise this does require some support. New legislation provides that from April 2015 men and women can share parental leave in the first 12 months of their baby’s life, wanting to make it easier for new dads to take the time off.

I know there are other reasons fathers don’t take up the main care role. When talking to fathers as a coach or in my support workshops, I am confronted with fathers dismayed at how they feel treated by society as an at-home dad. We are doing ourselves a disservice – men, as well as women. The more men seen as full time carers, the more normal this would be and then fewer women would have to fight against the glass ceiling.

Our society is still very much expecting women to stay at home and regard men out and about with their children on a weekday as a novelty or worse as “cute”. Some just look at them with a mixture of pity and suspicion when dealing with the daily toddler struggles in a public domain or entering a playgroup. Yes, who would want this to happen to them? The more confident of men don’t blink an eyelid, while others just feel completely out of their comfort zone.

My wife struggled with suddenly being a mum; she went through a bout of postnatal depression and anxiety. However, there was support for her. She went to those lifesaving baby groups, where mums can sit and chat and by doing that offer the kind of counselling that is hard to come by – someone exactly in the same situation, struggling with the same issues, available regularly and at no cost. There is other support through the NHS, the La Leche League, the NCT etc. And this is brilliant, it’s a support cushion for a very demanding and extraordinary time in each woman’s life.

Equal parenting is the buzz word. No one would argue that the bond between father and child isn’t greatly enhanced by the father spending more time with his son or daughter. And by being more active around the house those household chores that seemed to have doubled since the birth, are more manageable when equally shared. But wait. What about the man’s new role? Is that just magically happening without any support necessary? It’s not exactly the same for men to go to these baby groups and feel the kind of support that women get. And yes, men suffer from postnatal depression too. However, professionals in this field are mostly women which is discomforting for some men.

Where is the emotional support in that big life changing time of a man? Suddenly it is not all so surprising that less men have the guts to commit themselves to caring for their children full time or at least equally share childcare. Where do men get the tools to become a brilliant father? Many men I talk to simply know they definitely don’t want to be like their own father. But how are they going to parent? Without a male role model to guide them, this isn’t such a comfortable place to be.

If we, as a whole society, want fathers to take an active role in raising their children, then we need to support them on their journey. Right now.

This article has been originally published by me in JUNO magazine, No 38, Winter issue 2014

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